wasam.
So actually this is actually very funny
because I see the domestic violence uh
awareness month in the background too.
And I'll actually tell you a true story.
last. So every year we have the
convention mass convention in the United
States and mashallah it's the largest
convention in the United States. So we
have about 20,000 people come mashallah
and uh two years ago it was about love
in the family right so we had all these
talks about romance and all these talks
about the way the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam used to treat
his loyalty to
you know we had all the the beautiful
stories of and so many different stories
and we talked about domestic violence
and you know warning the brothers and
stuff like that you know about not not
being harsh with their wives and and the
prohibition on on on abusing your spouse
and so on so forth. And subhan Allah in
the question and answer session, one
uncle raises up his hand and he goes,
"Brother, what if the wife is abusing
the husband?"
I'm sorry.
So yeah, we live in a different time. We
live in a different day and age,
obviously. But um so I'm going to point
out just a few things that I see wrong
with this setting. Every time we have a
talk on marriage, uh, you know, subhan
Allah, this is the only time that the
brothers are as attentive as the
sisters. I'm not joking with you. If I
give any other talk, if I give any other
lecture, the brothers are falling asleep
and the sisters, mashallah, are paying
attention and taking notes and so on so
forth. And the brothers are just all
sleepy. When it's about marriage, all
the brothers are tuned in.
And the second problem is that not many
of you guys are taking notes.
Except for these two. You guys getting
married? [laughter]
So, they've obviously they're preparing
in advance. Mashallah. Mashallah.
They're doing a good job cuz they're
preparing in advance. Everybody else is
probably just waiting here for me to say
what they already have identified in the
spouse that they want so that they can
say, "See, mashallah, the said I should
look for this and this is exactly what I
say."
So, it's all good now. Right? This is
alhamdulillah. topic that I enjoy
speaking about. Uh until about a few
hours ago though I had no idea what we
were talking about when we said the laws
of love. Does it mean how to you know
how to interact with each other inside
of the marriage? Does it mean what you
look for when you want to get married?
And I think inshallah we'll just
encompass all of those things and we
will do question and answer. So we'll
have a chance to to hear from all of you
inshallah about how you feel about uh
some of the different topics that we're
covering. But you know, there's Have any
of you ever heard of Nancy Grace?
Yeah. Okay. Nancy Grace is really,
really, really annoying. And she's a
newscaster from the United States.
Subhan Allah. You know, a few have any
Did you all hear about the I know
through Facebook now, mashallah, we're
all connected from all over the world.
Did you Did you guys hear about the
Shakan thing, the sister that
disappeared, you know, for some time?
There was this whole fiasco going
around. People were changing their
profile pictures and events help find
and so on so forth, you know. So this
this was a frenzy that was going on in
the United States. So Nancy Grace is,
you know, she focuses on these stories.
She she identifies the story from all
over the country and she you know she'll
talk about the story and you know she'll
throw in her own two cents but usually
her two cents are more like 20 cents and
she'll talk forever and ever and ever
and ever and she talks about things that
are irrelevant but juicy right so she
brings on the family of this of this
woman who's disappeared and you know
presumably she's been kidnapped we
thought that she we the community was
under the presumption that she was
kidnapped it turned out she was not
kidnapped But you know, you can imagine
how how grieving the family is, how much
pain the family is in. And she spends 10
minutes ranting saying, "This seems like
an arranged marriage to me." You know,
here in here in America, we get married
because of love. We don't get married
cuz how did you know? How did you get to
know? She's talking to the husband of
You can imagine the guy does not feel
like hearing about this stuff right now.
And she's sitting there lecturing him.
How did you get to know her in the first
place? Were you guys hooked up by your
parents? you know, did you fall in love
first? And basically where she was going
with this is that, you know, I Shan
probably ran away because of an arranged
marriage, right? And subhan Allah, first
and foremost, when people say, "Do we
Muslims believe in arranged marriage?" I
have a problem with with simplifying,
oversimplifying things in the first
place. But the point that I'm trying to
make is that obviously our dean is under
attack in every way from a societal
perspective you know from uh from in
every single subject from a historical
perspective you know uh from a political
perspective our dean is always under
attack right and people are trying to
say that there's something faulty about
our dean that it's backwards that you
know that you know we're we're calling
everyone to become cavemen again and
things of that sort there's this this is
what's happening right Now, but
statistically speaking, there is an
interesting study that was published by
Harvard uh two years ago. They said that
if two spouses, if if two people before
marriage were to engage in intimate
relationship into were to engage in
intimate relations, that relationship
had a 69% chance of failing after
marriage.
I don't know what the divorce rate is
like here in the UK, but the divorce
rate in the United States is 54%. Now,
that means that when you get married in
the United States, you know, you have a
more than 50% chance you're more than
likely to get a divorce after marriage
than stay married. Subhan Allah. So,
it's I mean the things that we're being
attacked for and it's like what exactly
are you bringing as an alternative?
Right? Now when we talk about marriage
and when we talk about the things that
you look for obviously unfortunately
even whenever we talk about religion
when we talk about faith being the basis
of looking for a spouse you have all the
cultural things that come into that. Do
you guys have any matrimonial websites
here?
Oh yeah.
Yeah. You got a [laughter] few of them.
So you know subhan Allah. Uh so you go
to some of the matrimonial websites. Not
that I've never been, but you know, you
go to a matrimonial website and it will
say looking for a 28-year-old
dermatologist from Hyderabad, you know,
who's it's like all kinds of crazy crazy
expectations from one another, right?
And then you'll have a person who's
posing in their profile picture, you
know, in in a way that's completely
indecent and says, "I'm just looking for
a good religious spouse."
You know, so subhan Allah, even the
concept of looking for a person for the
sake of their faith is completely lost.
You know, it's like are we we're we
don't really understand what that means
anymore. Now, we go to the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wasallam and the
recommendations that he gave and there's
a lot of in this. There's so much wisdom
in what the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam said to look for because on one
hand, yes, faith is the basis. But the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
mentioned another intangible thing which
is so important and what was that that
we should look for in a spouse.
What else? Dean and what else? Faith and
what else? This is a problem. Are you
all married already?
What do you look for?
What?
If someone comes to you whose religion
is pleasing to you and whose character
is pleasing to you and in fact in some
narrations the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam said
subhan allah if someone comes to you
whose character and religion is pleasing
to you and what exactly is see we
understand the dean part or we we
somewhat understand the dean part when
we talk about character we're usually
completely lost what does it what does
character mean exactly does character
mean that it's a comedian? Does
character mean that's a nice person?
Does character mean that, you know,
they're up for a Nobel Peace Prize or
something like that? What exactly does
character describe? Who can give me the
definition of brothers or sisters from
an Islamic perspective? Let's get
interactive from now in if you don't
mind. Who can give me the definition of
what is? What is character?
Nobody.
You understand my American
like I'll explain what is done. Who can
then tell me a dua that we make that
includes the word of?
I'll give you the first part of dua.
Oh Allah, just as you have beautified my
my outward appearance and of course
there's a weaker narration but some of
the still recommended this which is you
say this when you're standing in front
of the mirror right so you're seeing the
the you see the creation you see how
Allah subhana t gave you limbs and he
gave you a sense of beauty and you say
oh Allah as you have perfected my
creation perfect my
right and in the Arabic language and
what we can take from this dua when you
say
you say oh Allah as you have beautified
my external appearance beautify my
insight so literally is your inner
beauty subhan allah how can you tell
though if a person has inner beauty or
not now we're talking about something
that's impossible how can you how can
you you know how can you analyze a
person's you can analyze their deed
right by how serious serious they are
and you know subhan Allah there's ways
to analyze their dean but how do you
analyze their and we go to a very very
important hadith because we're going to
break away from marriage for a second so
guys don't fall asleep on me we're going
to break away from marriage for a second
we're going to talk about the concept of
cuz I feel like this is very important
to understanding what you look for in a
spouse right the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam when he was describing
a woman or when a woman that was was
described to the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam that prayed all of her salawat
that fasted that was observing all of
the outward rituals of dean but she was
abusive to her neighbors. The Sahabah
came to the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam and said what happened to this
woman you know her dean was on you know
was was on fire she had everything that
she was supposed to do from a dean
perspective but she was a very abusive
neighbor she abused everyone around her
right none of her neighbors liked her
what did the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam say you guys have to wake up or
else I'm going to make you do push-ups
that's how we do things in
in Louisiana
what did the prophet sallallaihi
wasallam say about that woman.
Anyone know paradise hellfire?
He said that she was in hellfire.
But not only that, the prophet sallall
alaihi wasallam said something very
interesting. Sall wasallam said
[clears throat] she is completely
deprived of good on the inside and she
is in hellfire. There is no good inside
of her. Meaning if the dean did not
translate into inner beauty and if the
inner beauty did not translate into good
behavior and good character and good
actions then the dean was just a front.
All that was not real. All that was
superficial. All that was just a cover
up. All that was just putting a pretty
face to a very ugly relationship with
with their creator. Right? Because that
did not manifest itself. It did not
penetrate the inside. And an obvious
indication that it did not penetrate the
inside is that they were not observing
good character and good manners on the
outside. Yes, it is the same thing. Yes,
there are ways to tell that a person is
ugly on the inside. But at the end of
the day, we don't make a judgment about
that person's heart or their level of
iman. No, but there are ways to analyze
the inner character of a person, the
inner image of a person. And the proof
of that also is that the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wasallam describes to
us a person who comes on the day of
judgment. He comes with his salah. He
comes with his he comes with his he
comes with and he comes to the misan and
he comes to the scale. And in the misan
what's weigh
what's weighed in the misan the the
scale on the day of judgment?
Your deeds and what else?
The book of deeds. What else?
You yourself will be weighed on the day
of judgment. That doesn't mean that if
you wait a lot in terms of physical mass
that no because the prophet sallallaihi
wasallam said
you know a huge person would come on the
day of judgment someone who's big you
know huge
but he does not weigh in the sight of
Allah subhana wa tala the wing of a
mosquito whereas when the prophet
sallallaihi wasallam was describing
was a dwarf I mean in the in this in the
physical sense was a very very small
person extremely small unusually small
and one time as he was picking a seawak
from the tree from the tree the wind
blew him up subhan Allah into the tree
that's how small he was and his legs
were exposed and the Sahabah started to
laugh at his legs and the prophet
sallall alaihi wasallam said what are
you laughing about what's so funny they
said yeah look at his legs they're so
small that's what we're laughing at the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam says
you're laughing
But these two legs on the day of
judgment, each one of them will weigh
the weight of Mount.
Subhan Allah. So the scale of Allah on
the day of judgment is different from
the scale in this life. Thank God.
Right? It's different. But you yourself
will be placed in the misan and Allah
subhana t will weigh the good of you.
Subhan Allah. Meaning Allah will weigh
what? your
your Allah will weigh your character.
Allah subhana t will weigh it. And so
this person the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam says he comes on the day of
judgment. He has all of the outward
actions and manifestations of dean.
He slandered this person. He hit this
person. You know he was rude to this
person. Subhan Allah. He backbited this
person. So what happens? All of those
people then come and the only currency
that exists on the day of judgment is
what? Your deeds. So he's giving his
good deeds to that person. So the those
people that he harmed because of his bad
character, they're coming and they're
taking all of his good deeds until he
runs out of everything, all of his good
deeds. And the only thing left are his
sins. And so he has nothing left to
give, right? And so the people that he
hurt would come to him and they would
start giving their sins to him. They
start putting their sins on him. Look at
the situation of this person. This is
who the person was called on the day of
judgment is also
do you know who the bankrupt person is?
A person who's completely bankrupt. Now
all of this tells us something very
important that whenever we look for a
spouse, when we look for dean, that does
not necessarily mean I look for the one
who memorizes the most Quran. That does
not necessarily mean I look for the one
who is the most strict. right? Or the
most conservative because sometimes
people have those things but they don't
have good character and the prophet
sallallam
was as
described him
his character was the Quran
he was a Quran walking on the face of
the earth meaning what the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wasallam was such a
pleasant person subhan allah he wasn't
just receiving legislation No, you could
there have been books written about the
romance of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam you know the character of the
prophet sallallaihi wasallam the
etiquette of the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam and you can imagine
whenever the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam said
the best amongst you is he who is best
to his wife
says
you told the truth oh messenger of Allah
sallallam
meaning what when your wife testifies on
your behalf and says yes he wasn't was
an incredible human being and it wasn't
because the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam was alive because even after he
passed away it would still be sad
he told the truth oh messenger of Allah
sallallahu alaihi wasallam because dean
to the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam was not just legislation was
not just ritualistic in its nature it
was not it was not just superficial in
its nature because if you reduce dean to
that then it becomes just like beauty
just like wealth just like other types
status it becomes superficial in its
nature and it's no longer worth pursuit.
Subhan Allah. The prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam was a pleasant person right.
This is an amazing that describes the
prophet sallall alaihi wasallam. He was
always smiling and he was always
laughing and the laugh of the prophet
sallall alaihi wasallam was just a very
large smile right but not only that but
said
which means that not only was he always
smiling he would make everyone around
him smile subhan allah that's what means
he wasn't just
not only was he always laughing in his
way sallallahu alaihi wasallam everyone
around him was laughing sallallahu
alaihi wasallam meaning he was a
pleasant individual sallallahu alaihi
wasallam people loved to keep his
company people were not afraid of him
people did not want to stay away from
him so when you go looking for dean what
is it that you're looking for you're
looking for the dean from the outward
aspect of practice and you're looking
for the inward beauty the internal
beauty or at least that which is
apparent of it in terms of actions and
character and good behavior and good
morals and those are the things that the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam told
us to look for are the other things
permissible and you would notice that
when the prophet sallall alaihi wasallam
he said that you could marry a person
for their beauty physical attraction or
you could marry a a person for their
status or you could marry a person for
their wealth or you could marry them for
their dean you could marry them for
their faith and said
choose the dean make the dean your basis
for going out and looking may your hands
be covered in dust. And subhan Allah,
this is something that the prophet
sallall alaihi wasallam is show is
giving us the mercy and wisdom of Islam.
It's is it permissible to marry someone
for their beauty?
Yes, it's permissible. Is it permissible
to marry someone for their money?
Where's the ATM?
But the answer is yes. You don't have to
prove it's okay.
The points go on,
but it's permissible to marry someone.
Is it permissible to marry someone for
their money? Yes. Is it permissible to
marry someone for their status? Yes. But
is it wise? No. Are these the
ingredients for a longlasting, healthy,
fruitful marriage? No. Can they be
factors?
Yes. Can they be factors? Yes. But are
should they be the basis of what could
become a fruitful marriage? Absolutely
not. Because these are things that are
superficial in their nature. They can be
compliments to the basis which is the
dean. Right? So whenever you get
married, yes, you should be attracted to
your spouse. Yes, there there should be
an element of attraction there. There is
no doubt about that. That's why the
prophet sallall alaihi wasallam was not
unreasonable. You know, sometimes people
brag. Subhan Allah. especially, you
know, our our our dear beloved
generation that came down to us and they
say, you know, I married your mother
without having her seeing her one time.
I'm sitting there thinking to myself
like that was a pretty that could have
been a pretty disastrous decision over
cuz what if the first time that you saw
each other was wedding night and uh-oh,
I'm stuck. That's not good. That's not
good. Because the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam what did he advise the
young man who came to him asking he said
you should go and look at her you should
go look at her meaning what it's not
that she has to she has to be you know
uh miss Mecca at that time or something
like that but you know she fulfills the
minimum requirement of attraction right
you're ATTRACTED TO HER THAT'S important
right and at the same time yes some
sisters you know subhan allah you should
know what you're what you're getting
into when you marry someone who's having
financial troubles, if you can handle
that, alhamdulillah. But if you're
coming from a from a household where
you've been spoiled your entire life and
then you go and you marry a guy who's
just making ends meet, that's that's the
ingredient for a disastrous marriage.
So, it can be a factor. Yes. That the
person's well off that he's stable,
right? And you don't want someone who's
low in society and those types of things
flying, you know, especially if you come
from a higher level of society. That can
be a factor, right? And we saw it with
uh Zade and Zab both righteous people
but their level of status was a factor.
It was a factor. Okay. So these can be
factors but the basis of looking and
ident looking for a spouse and
identifying a spouse should be the
things that will last forever which are
dee and character. Right? Is it always
going to be a successful marriage? No.
There will be times that someone will
get suckered into what you know into a
marriage and you will believe that
you're marrying Mr. Right and Mr. Right
turns out to be Mr. Wrong. That happens
sometimes. Look at
right was a good woman. She thought she
had Mr. Right. She thought was Mr.
Right. Asia was an honorable woman even
before Islam. You know as again we're
talking about we're talking about
character. character signs even without
Islam because the prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam said that people are like
precious stones you know they're gems
the best amongst you in the days of
ignorance are the best amongst you in
Islam Islam does not do away with good
character Islam polishes good character
Islam you know channels good character
in the right direction right so subhan
Allah there are some situations like
that there are you know factors that
come into
But but at the end of the day, you look
for what has the best chance and you put
your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And there are so many things that come
into play here. Number one, what is
something that you should be doing when
you want to get married as far as is
concerned?
Now, here's the funny thing. Sometimes
people come and ask me, I want to pray
and things of that sort. And then it's
like, okay, you know, can you tell me
what is? So basically you're saying to
the you know you're making a dua to
Allahh if this is good for me make it
easy for me if it's bad for me take it
away from me and then some people have
said this to me some people said but I
don't want Allahh to take it away even
if it's bad for me can I just make dua
for that person in particular it's like
fine then what's the point of praying
then I have a real and this is why by
the way when you look for dean knowledge
is so important this was a a a situation
that happened with me I'm not even
making this uphill when we're talking
about by the way. So I think we all can
agree that with our cultures we have
some very very weird practices when it
comes to sometimes. So here I was, you
know, fresh imam in New Orleans six
years ago and I'm thinking to myself,
subhan Allah, I'm going to I'm going to
do some matchmaking now and people are
coming to me saying, you know, look, you
know, can you find can you find the
husband for my sister? Can you find the
husband for my daughter? And then the
brothers are coming to me and there's,
you know, and the sisters are coming to
me and subhan Allah, I'm thinking to
myself, all right, matchmaking time. The
problem was, of course, that every time
I would find a proper match, that person
would happen to be from a different
country. Subhan Allah. And the parents
would just not have that, right? Because
we say we're not racist. We say we're
not racist. But whenever whenever
someone comes knocking on your door
that's not from your tribe and whose
grandfather did not ride a donkey with
your grandfather,
it's like, "No, no, no. We're not having
that. We're not racist. We don't have a
problem with you, but we're not having
that." Right? Whereas
approached
an Ethiopian who was a freed slave to
come and marry from his family cuz we're
looking for right who was better than
so anyway it always turned out that you
know we have a dian and then we have an
Egyptian all right next we have a
hydroadi and we have someone from karach
next didn't work out we and it's like
why is this happening so finally I
finally got a match going two doctors,
mashallah, because the the girl was a
doctor and the family said, "Our
daughter is not going to marry someone
who's not a doctor." I said, "Fine. I'm
a good doctor. Everything worked out.
Everything the ball was rolling. Then
the next morning, I get a call from the
sister. I'm all excited cuz this is my
first time making the match as
I get a call from the sister and she's
crying and I said, "What happened? The
guy might have said something, you know,
ridiculous. The guy might have made her
upset or something like that." And she's
saying, "Sh, I pray this and the answer
was no."
I'm sitting there thinking to myself,
"Say that again. What do you mean the
answer was no?" And then she said it
again. I was the answer was no.
I'm like,
"Can you explain to me this is that
you're praying?"
So, she's still crying and she's
explaining to me that in her culture,
from her tribe, they take six sheets of
paper, they write yes on three, and they
write no on the pray to God. I'm not
making this up. Pray to God. Put the
pieces of paper under your pillow and
then after you wake up, pick one up.
Why are you playing? Seriously. Right.
And then, how many of you have heard the
one about you're supposed to see certain
colors in your dreams?
Yeah. See? See that one? You probably
still believe that was a what are you
talking about? You know what are you
talking about? You see certain colors in
your dreams. Are you crazy? Where are
you getting this from? You know, subhan
Allah. But again, we don't understand
the concept of and then some people pray
the right way, which is to pray to and
to make the dua which is basically
again, oh Allah, if this is good for me,
make it easy for me. If it's bad for me,
put obstacles, you know, between me and
it. And then if the answer the pro the
answer to the truly manifests itself
sometimes in like hardcore obstacles.
I'm not talking about like minor
obstacles. I'm talking about hardcore
obstacles but you still insist that this
is the one. So you're not responding to
the you know Allahh is giving you clear
answers at one point. Everything is
going wrong after you pray but still
this is the one I want right? I'm going
forth with it. So you need to trust
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and you need
to truly when you're looking for a
spouse you need to really be sincere and
wanting the spouse who has the best dean
and who has the best and here is why you
know a lot of times we talk about the
concept of dating right are we allowed
to date in Islam well it depends how you
define dating are we allowed to get to
know one another before Islam and ask
each other necessary questions yes we
can sit with each other you know in the
in as long as we're not alone home right
in in a situation where you know one
thing can lead to the other so on so
forth you know and by the way there's
when you're sitting together and there's
on the computer also there's cyber kalwa
like when you're talking to each other
on Facebook chat or g chat and nobody
else is watching and then you start
getting a little bit flirty and you
start you start noticing that after a
week more smiley faces are popping up
like all right this is not going this is
not becoming you know this isn't to the
point anymore you know what's happening
at this point right So, are we allowed
to get to know one one another? Yes. And
in this day and age, in this day and
age, I think it's absolutely important
for, you know, a a a potential husband
and a potential wife to sit together and
talk before they get married. It is
vital at this point because, you know,
these days, you know, people have very
weird views, have very weird leanings,
and then all of a sudden when they get
married, it's like, here's, you know,
here here's the surprise, right? So many
different surprises here and there. to
get together and to ask each other to
see what their common interests are,
their common goals, right? Their views
on dean. These are so important, right?
Not that after they get married, by the
way, you're not allowed to work. By the
way, you're not allowed to drive. By the
way, you know, uh I I married a second
wife like 10 years ago.
Wait, what? You know, you were supposed
to be Mr. No, you sit together and you
and you ask one another. You talk to one
another, right? But not in a way that's
inappropriate. Not in a way that becomes
flirtatious or unnecessary, right? And
does that work? Statistically speaking,
it works a whole lot better than the
quote unquote love marriages whenever
people come together and whenever people
have experimented all of the the things
that they're not supposed to experience
until after marriage and then once they
get married, the only thing that kicks
in is responsibility.
And that really sucks, you know, when
responsibility gets kicked into it. It's
like, man, you know, I was enjoying
myself without marriage. Why do I have
to get married? Now what's you know
subhan Allah why did I add all this
undue burden on upon myself and then
some Muslims ask well why can't why
can't we you know we don't we don't have
to sleep with each other we don't have
to commit zena we don't have to
[clears throat] do all that stuff why
can't we just talk with each other why
can't we just you know go out to each
other with each other watch movie hold
hands things of that sort and I'll
explain to you why at that point and
this is just human emotion by the way do
you or do you not think that your
decision will be biased after that.
Think about it. The whole thing has
become slanted at that point, right?
Because you're infatuated. And you might
be taking that as being love, but you're
infatuated, right? You've already
experienced the face that the person
puts on outside. You've already
experienced some of the the joys and
things of that sort, right? And so your
decision making is now flawed, right?
And at that point, let me tell you what
happens. And this happens in MSAs or
ISOs or whatever it is in different
different college organizations,
different Islamic organizations. People
have gotten to know one another. Then
she I want to marry her. Why do you want
to marry her? Because she's religious.
Okay. Why is she religious? Because at
that point, your decision-m is flawed.
You know why? Because everything she
does at that point or everything he does
at that point, you're going to interpret
it as being religious. Like she
mashallah, she's so good. She prays. The
other day, the other day I saw her
driving and she was listening to
like everything you everything she you
will force her to be religious. You will
force them to be religious even if
they're not religious at that point.
Why? Because you've already made up your
mind and your decision making is flawed
at that point.
Your decision-m is flawed at that point.
Right? So subhan Allah Allah subhana t
gives us an opportunity. You pursue a
person for dean and you pursue them for
and you pursue them thinking you know
putting all of the factors into play
because this is an extremely important
decision right and and you can imagine
subhan Allah why is and there's so
muchab so much punishment that comes
from just uh you know continuous dating
and testing the waters here and there
you know subhanah a lot of times just
ask the ask the the people that or some
of you may have been in the situation
where you used to do this and then now
Allahh guided you and things of that
sort when you used to date. That's hell.
That's torture, right? You invest
yourself emotionally into something. You
tell you you tell someone all of your
secrets and then all of that falls apart
and then you go it's it's like a roller
coaster. Next person, right? You go
through that. You experience the joys.
You think that this is the right person.
Then boom, that's done too. And you keep
going and going and going and going. And
then once you get married, what makes
you think that you're going to be able
to have a happy marriage? You're already
used to relationship failure. you've
already been with different people. So
you'll get sick of your spouse very very
very quickly and then you say why is
Allahh doing this to me right? Why did
Allahh put me in an unhappy
relationship? Think about that for a
moment. So Allah subhana wa ta'ala he
gives us
from the signs of Allah subhana wa tala
for those who think and who contemplate.
He created for you spouses from amongst
yourselves and here are the functions of
a marriage.
A second in the Arabic language is what?
Your home, right?
You dwell with that person. You find
comfort in that person. What are the
functions of a home? Right?
Is to want to please someone else and
compassion and mercy. Allahh puts these
things between the spouses, right? And
they grow together. They learn about
each other over time. And you know what?
The they're they're they're learning to
love everything about each other and
they're looking at each other from the
lens of and so even when these
superficial things start to fall apart
because guess what? If you're beautiful,
you get older, right? Whenever the
beauty starts to fade away, if money
fades away, right? If the money starts
to go down the drain to how many
marriages fall apart because of
financial troubles, right? Subhan Allah.
I mean, I was I was reading something in
Newsweek. I remember uh maybe a year ago
that was talking about the effect of the
economic crisis on marriages. That
marriage cannot stand on its two feet
anymore. Why? Because the money's gone.
Everything's falling apart. So the
things of deed and aren't there to hold
that marriage right but Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala gives us those things you make
that the basis right and Allah subhana t
also says
they are a garment for you and you are a
garment for them so essentially whenever
I go looking for a person I'm looking
for a person who's am I looking for a
person who's less than me and dean who I
can correct and I can bring to my
standard of dean like yeah she's really
pretty and she has potential
or he seems like a really good guy. He
has potential. Do I look for someone who
has potential? Do you walk into a
supermarket and see a cloth, you know,
see a shirt that's hanging and say, "Hm,
this shirt has a lot of potential if I
take it home and I cut it up." No. If
it's not ready for me, if it's not
ready, if this is not this is not the
shirt that I'm going to be able to put
on tomorrow that's going to immediately
beautify me, I don't want that shirt,
right? So, subhan Allah, I don't look
for potential. I don't even look for
someone who's just equal to me. Indeed.
What do I look for? I look for someone
who's better than me and dean so that
they can cover my faults and beautify me
in those same spots where I know that
I'm lacking, right? I know that that I
can do better, right? So, I look for for
someone who's better in dean to make me
that better person, right? And because
is important too. Yes, there are some
people that on the way to becoming
religious people turn up. Subhan Allah.
I always say this, you know, on your way
to becoming a religious person, don't
become a crappy human being.
Seriously. So some people on their way
to becoming religious become jerks
somewhere along the line, right? Become
judgmental, become arrogant, become
prideful. They start to think that they
have understood the Quran and Sunn and
everybody else is upon falsehood and you
you know the truth lies through me and
things of that sort. You avoid those
types of people. Trust me, those people
are worse than the ones that don't have
dean or because they're using the dean
and they're just adding that into their
superficiality, right? You look for
those things that can you know you look
for that person that wants to grow in
the dean and if the priority is dee if
the priority is then you will see
incredible things happen and you will
see that that relationship will be able
to withstand the trials and the other
things and I'm going to end with just
one story this is a very powerful story
story and it shows you what the dean is
about you know it shows you that the how
dean can actually infuse love inside of
a relationship you know there's a hadith
from the messenger of fright and tell
this story. It's a beautiful, right?
Ahmed narrates it in his Muslim. It's an
authentic. The prophet sallall alaihi
wasallam said,
"Subhan, may Allah have mercy on a man
who wakes up in the middle of the night
to pray, right? He wakes up for so he
wakes up his wife to pray and she
refuses you know and she or she stands
up and prays and if she refuses he goes
and he takes a little bit of water okay
he doesn't go and take a flower pot
right or you know water gun no he goes
and he takes a little bit of water he
sprinkles it on her face so that she
could wake up and pray with him right
and then
said
And may Allah have mercy on a woman who
wakes up in the middle of the night.
This is a two-way street. Remember, this
is a two-way street. She wakes up in the
middle of the night to pray. And she
tries to wake up her husband to pray,
too. And if he refuses, she takes some
water and she sprinkles it into his
face, right? To wake him up, right? Two
people that are growing in the deen
together. two people that are looking
for something that cannot be given to
them in this world but they know is
guaranteed so long as the other person
is capable of getting me closer to that
goal then that person is a valuable
asset in my life it's as simple as that
so long as I can see this person as
someone who's bringing me closer to my
goal so if my goal is then I need that
person in my life right subhan allah you
know and and once you start seeing
marriage that way rather than just you
know you know of course you started off
with the right way you start looking for
the things of that sort but as long as
you see marriage in that way rather than
just a trial run because in this day and
age honestly you go into a marriage and
that possibility that looming
possibility that this might be this
might not be the right one is always
there and that haunts you and at the end
of the day it's almost like you have
more than a 50% chance of getting
divorced even in the Muslim community by
the way divorce rates are going up why
because they start for the wrong reasons
they're built upon faulty foundations
Right? So they're not able to hold that
pressure. They're not able to withstand
it. So subhan Allah. But if we looked at
it with a sense that this is something
that's permanent. I have to make this
work. Only under, you know, only under
extreme circumstances am I going to let
this fall apart. Then you'll make it
work. Inshall you'll compromise for the
other person. You'll compromise to make
things work. Why? Because at the end of
the day, what I married this person for
dee, they still got that. and they're
still looking for the same goal I'm
looking for and we're helping each other
get there inshallah and I'll end with
one story because this is something
that's a very very touching story and
just to give you some background of the
story it's about
now before I talk about Abu D and and
and what I want to get to
was someone who narrates the hadith
about the virtues of knowledge right
he's someone who traveled around the
world seeking and teaching Islam
He had a lot of knowledge
and he was overly enthusiastic about you
know about the dean whenever it came to
him. So whenever the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam paired off the ansar
with the muajar right whenever the
prophet sallallaihi wasallam came to
Medadina everysi every local of Medina
hosted one of the muajarim one of the
people that was expelled from Mecca the
travelers the those who immigrated from
Mecca right hosted them in their house
and the prophet sallallaihi wasallam
paired everyone a brother from the with
a brother from the muajarim right who
was the brother of Abu
Salman and
Salman and was he? Yes. Not from Mecca
but from uh from Persia. Right. He was
he he was going around looking for the
prophet sallallaihi wasallam from Persia
and he found the prophet sallallaihi
wasallam in the time whenever the
prophet had just made it to Medina.
Right? So pairs Salman with Abu D.
Whenever Salman gets to the house of Abu
Da and this was before the ayah of hijab
had been revealed. Okay. The ay of hijab
the command of hijab was not revealed
until 4 years after hijra. At this time
the ay of hijab had not been revealed.
He sees he walks into the house and she
has a cloth that's beat up right. It
doesn't have much uh you know it doesn't
you know it's got patches all over it,
stains all over it. She doesn't you know
she has blisters on her hands, right?
and he feels sorry for her and she says
uh where's he says to her where's Abu D
and she says smiling with contentment
she says your brother Abu D has no need
for this world right so
wanted to get him home more often so
finds out that Abu D is fasting man says
I want lunch come to the house and
you've got to serve me lunch we've got
to eat lunch together he brings him home
forces him to eat lunch with him right
and then at night whenever Abu D wants
to stand up and
who wants to go to sleep. Don't bother
me with your Quran and things of that
sort. You know, he forces him to sleep
with his wife, right? To be with his
wife. And then they go to the prophet
sallall alaihi wasallam and Abu D says
to the prophet sallallaihi wasallam is
what he's doing right you know he's
taking me away from he's taking you away
from things of that sort right and the
prophet sallall alaihi wasallam agreed
with and he said verily Allah has a
right upon you your family has a right
upon you yourself has a right upon you
right so you have to give each one its
due right so your family has a right
upon you so
we can take from that that he improved
because he's someone that listened to
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
So we can take from that that he
improved but his financial situation was
never really that great right
was someone who used to be around the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam for
from a very very young age a little girl
that used to play in the mazjid and
things of that sort and someone who grew
up loving knowledge right now let's fast
forward about 40 years
who is about to life and he's with his
wife
never really tasted the sweetness of
this because although you can take from
this was surely spending more time with
her things of that sort he never became
a rich man and she's seeing her husband
die and what does she say to her husband
at that moment she says to him listen
whenever you came to propose for me in
this dunya you asked my father for my
hands Yes. And I accept it.
So she says to him, "So ask Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala for me to be your
wife in
Subhan Allah. I want to be your wife in
Jenna."
They were both looking for the same
goal. Right? Now you could take from
that you could say, you know, that was
probably just sweet emotional talk,
right? when a person's leaving anyway
this life they start to talk about this
type of stuff and everyone gets you know
everyone becomes nice whenever death is
taking place and things of that sort
this is probably why this was all that's
probably why she said all that but guess
what happens after that when Abu D
passes away she gets a proposal a
marriage proposal guess from who frombuf
who was the khalifa of the Muslims she
gets a proposal And
who is someone who is wealthy you know
he's someone who has status in the eyes
of the Muslims right he's from those who
wrote the he's one of the companions of
the messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam
and he's sending a proposal to
and listen to the response of
she says I cannot marry you because I'm
already engaged to
subhan Allah unbelievable unbelievable
What was she thinking of? Where was her
heart? Where was her mind? Where was her
mission? It was with coming closer to
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And that
marriage, even though it did not have
the things that we would think make a
marriage successful and make a marriage
good, it had that ingredient that cannot
be taken away by any economic crisis,
that cannot be taken away by any aging
process. It had the love of Allah
subhana tala in it. and you look for a
person who's going to who's going to be
whenever you marry a person don't think
about that person as just being your
spouse in this dunya think about that
person as being your spouse in paradise
is this a person that I can see getting
to paradise and we know in Jenna if one
person makes it to a higher level of
paradise from the family what did they
do to the lower one does the higher
person go down to the lower one no come
on up they drag you up if you have a
family of righteous people if you have
righteous children if you have a
righteous spouse your wife is more
righteous than you and you just made it
into Jenna and she's up there in she
will come down and get you and all of
your kids inshallah
right so whenever you look to get
married look for the person that is
befitting to you in this and in the I
ask Allahh to bless us all with fruitful
and with good marriages and I ask Allahh
to make us amongst the righteous
ourselves and we make the dua even from
our childhood we consistently do make
the dua
Oh Allah, grant us from our spouses and
from our children the coolness of our
eyes, the source of the coolness of our
eyes, and make us for the mutap, for the
community of believers and righteous
Make us leaders amongst the community of
the righteous.