this is the dean the dean show this is
the dean
show alhamdulillah Alum peace be unto
you welcome back to the dean show today
we're going to be talking about the
family keeping it together preventing it
from breaking apart my guest who's
coming on a second Imam Mustafa Zade
who's the author of the lies about
Muhammad he is also an Imam in New
Jersey has a lot of experience dealing
with families who have these issues CH
husband and wife coming together but
having a hard time staying together some
know their roles some don't and some
just don't want to know and we want
everybody to know and to implement what
the Creator told him to implement so we
can live a more fruitful productive life
and we can have success in this life
success and Paradise which is the
ultimate destination in goal and the
next we'll be right back to talk about
the family keeping it together here on
the
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theam alayum peace with you how are you
aldah the lies about Muhammad you're the
author of it yes and you have a lot of
experience you've been an Imam for how
long uh about eight nine years now eight
nine years so in our last show people
can go to the Deans show.com and we
discussed family business Family
Planning how to keep the homes together
rather than breaking it because you will
suffer the kids will suffer so we really
want to talk more about this issue and
give some practical tips examples of
people who did the wrong thing not the
right thing and where they are today how
that affected them so can you just bring
us up to speed on some of the things
that we talked about in the previous
episode and people can go back to the de
show.com to see that common one is the
level of gratefulness to the marriage
some husbands and some wives uh uh
thinks that the qualities that they have
from their marriage is a birthgiver and
they focus only on the negative things
tell it mushrooms to into a divorce and
the husband or the wife would go seek
another marriage and in that other
marriage whatever they had thought is
given them for granted is actually not
even there for example a husband used to
complain and you know I witnessed this
that the wife does not take care of
herself uh she does not put that enough
makeup and so on so forth and maybe the
wife was not you know paying attention
to that much even though we give her the
advice and because she took care of his
household and his children like no one
else could and he decided you know I
want divorce there a lot of The
Temptations out there I want a beautiful
woman that does not make me look he did
not pay attention to the Grateful and be
grateful for the good qualities that his
wife was providing he looked for the
real beautiful one the high maintenance
beautiful wife she was Muslim too he got
married and she provided zero of the
other things that he took for granted
she did not cook she don't want to have
children till you know certain time and
she had children she wanted to put
conditions that she would buy you know
hire enough nannies and so on and so
forth and he would wish for one day of
the quality of life that he had with his
other wife and that was a punishment
from Allah subhana because you need to
be grateful first for what you have
before you ask for more and the same
thing applies vice versa to wives too
the husband works hard he provides he
takes care of her but maybe because of
that hard work he does not have enough
time to spend with the wife as much as
she likes but for that little thing she
want to blow up the entire marriage and
she does she now goes with a husband
that yes you know spends more time with
her but does not provide and actually
want her to go out there and work
because we cannot afford what we have
you know from the beginning that I and
so on and so forth and the qualities
that the other husband was providing is
gone and now she does not care actually
she want lesser time with the second
husband husband alt together why she was
not grateful to the blessings of Allah
subhana tala that he gave her Allah
says if you count the blessings of Allah
subhana you will not be able to they're
countless but people are ungrateful
another example is the influence the
outside influence uh for example uh you
know this is a recent one uh business
owner millionaire you know any dream
husband for any uh wife and she had a
college degree uh Allah had blessed the
couple with two beautiful babies the
mother comes in well I did not send you
to college and had all these costs and
all that you know uh work and caring for
you so you can sit home but sit home you
are caring for your own babies and what
you need to work for we work to
compensate our hours and hard work for
money if Allah subh blessed you with
that money in even plenty and in
abundance with with your husband why do
you want to go out there and work for
$40,000 a year and your husband is a
millionaire leaving your two babies and
the mother influence and you know again
was not grateful for the case what
happened divorce now she's not married
very hard for her to get married with
two babies and if you want to work now
well go work and spend your entire
income on babysitting the kids and so on
and so forth this is a live example yes
yes so the husband was it was a a
millionaire yes and now you mentioned
the outside influence this is where it
happened mother-in-law was coming in yes
and to your
surprise sometimes the influence of the
Mother-in-law or the father-in-law is to
how would I say it air a grievance that
they had in their own personal life so
sometimes the mother was really
oppressed by an oppressive husband who
really oppressed her and was unjust with
her so she want to retaliate
subconsciously maybe not intentionally
subconsciously by making her uh daughter
the dominant force in the household and
really belittling the man as if he is
you know a doormat or something and no
real man would accept that so what
happens divorce and who's the victim her
own daughter and the children and the
daughter is the one to blame your mother
is your mother but your mother had her
own house and her own life to apply her
own ideology and her own manners in it
you are responsible for your own
household not your mother so that was
her fault bringing that influence and
this brings me to a point where yes
parents are sacred in Islam it's Allah
subh as his messenger and they're doing
well by parents but doing well by
parents is not something that
contradicts the other Halal of having a
good husband having a good life obeying
the husband obeying the guidelines of
Allah subhana tala when it comes to your
role as a spouse in your own household
and you'll never find in Islam a Halal
that contradicts another Halal it's all
complimentary it's all you know a whole
harmonized structure so when people
bring these contradictions they are
bringing outside influences that
victimizes their their own selves and
their own children and their own
marriage in the process now just to
bring some people up to speed who didn't
see the last show we did that okay and
people we encourage to really know your
role and your right so the man has to
provide for the household he has to take
care of the wife be kind to her merciful
from her you quoted some Hadi where the
Prophet the best among you are those who
are best to their family they're wives
and the so to try to be the best to your
wife and not to be a dictator consult
with your wife but after now the
president the CEO the someone had to
leave the house the Allah the Creator
put the man in charge so once he makes a
decision he consults with his Lord he
does isara praise and he feels this is
the right thing the woman as we said
earlier she has to obey the husband has
to obey the husband and and if she has a
different opinion she needs to voice
that and states and you know what it's
not opinions as different personalities
opinion that adheres also to the benefit
of Islamic law that we talk about so
you're not going to if you abide by the
law of Allah as a wife and that's where
your opinion is formulated according to
and the same way that your husband that
rules and actually takes takes care of
the household based on Islamic law
you're not going to find any
contradiction life would be so easy yeah
now some people just before we go to a
break some people when you say the word
obey all right you know because again
the Jerry spring your Society you ain't
going to tell me what to do so he say
obey I ain't obeying nobody you ain't my
master so what do we mean when we say
obey this is like obey Allah subhana
tala and the the husband is applying the
laws and the guidelines of Allah subhana
tala and you obeying Allah subhana in
the form of your husband if your husband
ask you to steal cheat not pray uh do
something wrong there's no obedience
there because there's no obedience
anyone in disobeying Allah subhana so
you're actually obeying Allah subhana
tala but not married to Allah subh God
forbid you married to your husband
that's where you show The Obedience to
Allah subh T to him inshallah let's take
break we'll be right back with more here
on the dean
show
main you say that you do not believe in
Jesus you have stepped outside of Islam
you cannot be a Muslim it is a tened our
faith to believe in and love Jesus
Christ why is it then when it comes to
one of the most important decisions in
life we literally abuse ourselves it's
not that the main thing we're looking
for is to see what typee of money he has
so that he can treat my daughter like a
princess it's not about
that back here on the dean show and
we're discussing family keeping it
together we don't want it to fall apart
so knowing your roles knowing your
responsibilities and then living up to
it yes so tell us
now giving us some more examp
examples we know that Islam is the
perfect way of life it's not man-made
all the evidence points to this being
from the one who is the most loving
merciful kind the creator of the heavens
Earth he's the most just he knows best
so at the end of the day when your
husband tells you honey listen if we're
going to fight let's fight in a polite
way honey let's uh do it this way
because I feel is best so the woman
should do a Jihad a struggle maybe she's
coming from jalah same for the man some
so you know she's been watching a lot of
Jerry she left all alone now and she
wants to be a good woman a good Muslim
woman she's got to cuz sometimes that
inside of you just wants to lash out you
just want to you know your emotions get
high you got to submit I want to give
you a real example actually it's a a
member of my family lady that is really
Pious uh she was fixing a nice meal to
her husband who's a really Pious man and
he was sitting down waiting for her to
finish sitting up the table and uh you
know there was an article in the
newspaper that actually attracted him
and he was taken by it and his wife kept
calling him come to the the dinner come
to dinner come to dinner she she really
got mad and then she went grabed the
newspaper and tore it apart she was
really mad and the advice from Prophet
Muhammad wasallam never get mad never
get mad never get mad when a man came to
him and said I'm simple-minded I do not
know how to put all Islamic on my head
tell me something that have I follow in
get into Jenna don't get mad and repeat
it three times what would the husband do
look at the mans of Islam because he's a
good Muslim he waited till she Cal down
and the first thing that he did he went
to the ground and picked up the pieces
of the newspaper and Scotch taped them
together in and did it in nice polite
way without even looking at her she said
to me that I'd rather the somebody with
me or beat me up to death than the pain
that I felt of his politeness in as an
answer to how rude I was mhm and this is
how marriages the tolerance and the
politeness happens but we want to touch
upon a very important point which is
don't buy a broken car yeah a really bad
car and then bring the best mechanic in
the world to fix it and call that a good
marriage a good marriage start with how
to pick up The Good Wife and the good
husband and Prophet Muhammad wasam gave
us the ultimate guidance of
that the one with the dean the man with
the dean mean dean always means in the
language of prophet mam the good manners
not just one who memorize the Quran or
have the longest beard a man who
practically proves his Islam by dealing
with people with the maners of Islam and
the maners of the Prophet that's how you
choose a husband how to choose a wife
Prophet M his famous
Hadith a woman is pursued for marriage
for four her beauty her money her social
status or her Dean and Dean again her
manners Prophet M
advised take the one with the dean
otherwise you would regret it and we all
know as hant the most beautiful woman
the woman with the more money and the
the family or whatever you would marry
her two weeks three weeks stops for
whatever these reason and they become
normal what last is the quality of her
character her manners as a Muslim woman
her Dean choose the one with the dean
choose the one that adheres to the law
of Allah subh and obeys Allah subhana
tala in you and then the marriage would
be an easy sale you have the wind that
you back picking the husband that way
and picking the wife that way that's the
foundation of a marriage that less want
to give some more practical examples
you're living with that person and you
know what Shayan he wants to break the
home this is one of the things that he
loves is to dividing husband and wife so
when jealousy comes in or bad attitude
or some of these other things that kind
of will end up making a husband angry
with his wife or a wife angry with the
husband give some some practical advice
like how we don't let that escalate that
that's a very important point the
overwhelming majority especially of the
wives and I would uh let our sisters pay
attention to that is that the husband
does something that they don't like or
hate and they don't express that to the
husband and the husband thinks you know
what I know this is wrong but that's
okay with her so no problem next time
I'll let it off the same way
and then he keeps doing that hateful
thing and sometimes even in a worse way
and she does not still express it till
it comes to a point where I seen
marriages that lasted for 14 15 years
with four children and the wife comes to
a point that sit no matter what you do
divorce no way back and we spent I spent
a year and a half with a family a year
and a half doing you know circus work
not just as an IM doing everything that
you can possibly imagine try to put the
family together and she had so much
build up of Anger of all that residual
over the years and the husband told me
innocently and I believed him I didn't
know that she didn't like that talk
about communication yes Express in a
nice polite way after the dust settles I
don't like that saying things sometimes
diffuses the whole thing saying no I
don't want I don't like to do this would
no matter what kind of man it is he
would think twice before doing it again
never mind third time never keep doing
it till the woman explodes and she's a
good sister and he was a good husband
but communic ation obeying the husband
is something and communicating with the
husband is a different thing and the
same thing husbands you know and and and
this is harder for the husband if the
wife is not communicating do not take
advantage of you know when when a wife
is you know obedient and nice and does
not want to start fights and so on so
forth thank Allah for that do not abuse
it yeah and as we know the wisdom
Allah wisdom is what a a Believer seeks
and when he finds it he's most deserving
if your wife is like that then listen to
the common wisdom even the street what
you abuse is what you lose yeah tell us
now you mentioned in the previous show
where the woman being and letting out
more of these wom qualities softness the
man being a man but sometimes the roles
get reversed and the woman you have like
sometimes two men in the house and no
man likes another man in the house so
how important is is it like sticking to
your nature and not being one who's
taking the man's role the man taking the
woman's the best quality the female can
enjoy is it her being a true female
versus a real man a real man with the
man quality and the way that a man feels
his manhood and and enjoys and have
pleasure with it is with a true female
Yeah the more female she is the more man
he is and the more identified that
quality the more they both is going to
going to enjoy their life Allah created
it to each one to complement each other
actually I'm an engineer by education
and actually the electric current the
electric current that everything around
you works with how does it work a
positive and a negative and because of
the potential difference that way we
call it engineering the current moves
from the positive to the negative and by
that circulation life works so the thing
that the positive needs from the
negative and the things that the
negative needs from the positive that's
what create the current of life the way
I call it so
you know if if a man agrees to be a
lesser man in his household that's
lesser of quality life for him as a man
and the more Manish a woman become even
not in Behavior or physically but just
by the way that she treats her husband
the quality of life is gone and then the
marriage is you know well the roommates
and roommates can change mates left and
right why stick to this roommate you
have some brothers who also bring up the
the whip of the tongue sometimes a uh
happen for the man too but sometimes the
woman will whip the husband with the
tongue you know what I mean by the
Tongue and it really gets out of hand
how do we control this tongue actually
one of the um one of the things the
proph M warned about ja one of the
greatest Companions of prophet mam asked
the question innocently and you can tell
and it's very rare in the of proph mmam
that he can sense some anger there proph
mam was very patient he asked them are
we going to be judged for what we say m
said may your mother lose you and this
this is very rare the prophet mam say
that isn't it what pours people on their
faces into Hell Fire is the Harvest of
their tongues the tongue yes Prophet M
man came to him and said oh Prophet
guarantee me Paradise Prophet mamam said
guarantee me what's between your lips
and between your thighs you know
implying to you know adultery I would
guarantee you paradise and if you think
about it 2third of the way to Paradise
is the tongue and a lot of people do not
realize that one word that you say in a
moment of anger can devastate someone's
character can devastate someone's
personal stamina and confidence in their
themselves oh you're ugly you're this
you're you're that we have to be careful
with that yes we we say things in
moments of anger but do not you know use
that whip of a tongue especially when
the woman challenges the manhood of the
man oh you're not man enough to do this
if you're manad enough divorce me if you
do and these challenges that we put by
words in stupidity of anger and anger as
per the definition of proph mam is when
the Shan is riding you when you allow
yourself to get angry you're not holding
the steering wheel of your life anymore
it's the devil and the devil does not
want to hurt you the devil want to put
you on Hell Fire he doesn't want it
halfway that's why mam do not get angry
if you get angry sit down if you cannot
sit down lie down the first thing to
defeat anger with is just make apption
why what's happening is fire from the
devil and you put it off by the water of
apption say and so on and so forth so
avoid these moments of anger choose your
wife correctly have tolerance be great
for what you have already because you
never know the beautiful women outside
that looks so nice and fancy you don't
know how trustworthy they are how honest
they are how protective they are are
they going to be good Mothers or not one
of the good things in Islam and I and I
said it before is that Allah subhana T
praying on time and then doing well by
parents the second best thing that a
Muslim can do is doing well by parents
and we know something that is called
which anyone should avoid at any cost
which is you're not doing well by your
parents that's a very big sin and a big
loss but there's
also meaning that you're not doing well
by your sons and daughters what's the
definition of that a woman that is not a
good Muslim that does not have a good
reputation that might have a deviated
behavior and just for her looks or
whatever circumstances you just get
married to her and now you force your
son from her or daughter from her to
have a mother with that bad reputation
with that bad mannerism and by that you
belittled and took and devastated the
rights of your own son and daughter upon
you when you chose that mother to be
their mother that woman to be their
mother uh just this is such a vast topic
some just closing a few important points
the dos and don'ts in the last two
minutes that we have you said outside
influence it should be limited to who
like you know the wife should should be
going back to the mo to to her mother
the the the the son going here and then
you know the whole Community coming in
and giving their opinion what they think
is right but actually making it worse
who should they go to who should they
not go to to make this
work it's up the responsibility of
marriage is the responsibility of the
man and the woman the husband and wife
they are allowed and the matter of fact
they are persuaded and encouraged to go
seek advice but give the advice about
the specifics of your house common
advice do not tell the secrets of your
household to people who are close by so
they can influence and make a a small
problem a bigger problem seek knowledge
from people you do not know read ask a
ask a scholar without even stating your
name and find out what is the right
thing to do about that situation what to
do with your husband do not get people
even the closest people to you get
involved with that much details you are
responsible they're not you're the one
who's going to carry the burden and the
responsibility if it works or not
they're not and I don't know any mother
that compensated a good wife for a good
husband I don't know any father who
compensated a good son for his Good Wife
it never happened and will never happen
and at the end of the day you're the one
to blame you carry the responsibility so
take care of your own problem so so so
your your beloved uh uh sibling or your
mother can actually at the end do more
harm than good many cases that happened
many cases that happened even though
they love you they have good intention
and and and I I have this final example
a mother that actually the her
son-in-law who was a laborer who was not
professional Works about 12 hours a day
and he had the courtesy to invite her to
live with him and his kids and the man
worked like a mule all day to provide
for the family and he would kill himself
to provide for everything of them
whenever they get invited to some of the
relatives who are professionals who have
better careers and better jobs that her
daughter his wife does not qualify to
that life because she's not that
educated either she would make sure that
she tell oh I feel sorry for you look at
the cars they have the houses they have
the furniture they have why you accept
that and she kept belittling the man so
much that the woman said I have to get a
divorce my life is being wasted now
she's on foot stamps and her mother just
left her to live with her own other
son wow good in maybe the mother thought
that she's doing a good thing but you
know again who is carrying the the the
the the blame and the responsibility and
the burden at the end of the day it's
you it's you so turn it back to Allah
and his messenger live life according to
Allah's will not your desires consult
Physicians scholars in Islam and try to
live and not because you love me as a
friend or a mother or anything you know
my mother loved me more like anything in
the world but when I had a need a
surgery I would not go to her I would go
to a surgeon yeah when you know somebody
your brother who's a great one and he's
a mechanic and you have a a low matter
you're not going to take him to
represent you in court even though
nobody loves you like him same thing my
mother or my father love me the most but
they're not the expertise and they don't
have the were weel ask a scholar know
the guidelines of Allah subhana tala and
the more you abide by Allah subhana tala
you would draw protection and blessing
from him in this is more important
probably than even the heart surgery
family business the whole life the whole
quality of your life one one one final
quote I heard be his servant and he'll
be your slave have you heard this yes
and it's true and it's true and it's
true yeah okay thank you very much uh
people can visit you at the liab
muhammad. comom yes you're the author of
the book yes and you have uh your own
website yeah we made a website for the
book The liab muhammad. comom itself
where we have our blog and uh and and
and media inah about the the whole issue
thank you very
much thank you and thank you for tuning
in to another episode of the dean show
keeping the family together this is
something so important in Islam because
if you got broken homes you got broken
societies work hard to get to know this
beautiful way of life know the roles and
responsibilities that Allah has bestowed
upon you and live them submit to them
this is your test it's one thing saying
you believe but then are you going to
follow it up with action and when a
Calamity hits you want to be patient and
you want to do all the good that Allah
has told you to do because it's a test
and trial your whole life from the womb
to the tomb and you don't want to give
up you don't want to give up you want to
stay with it all the way to the end and
you want to keep those families together
you want to bring those children up in a
healthy environment so they can be a
benefit to society in what better way
when husband and wife are together
staying together working together so
then they can produce wonderful results
so with that said we hope that you got
to benefit and we'll see you next time
here on the dean show same time same
channel peace be unto you you have to
pray as if everything depends on Allah
and it does but you must work as if
everything depends on you and it doesn't
that's my point you see what I'm saying
and I don't like that I don't like us
sitting here what are you waiting for
what are we waiting for right now what
are you waiting for all these people to
come to Islam what are we waiting for
what are we waiting for right now when
they going to come they're going to come
Allah going to bring these people Allah
subhana put in our hand the ability to
do it now do your job
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I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li by I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone if
Li by I am not afraid to stand
alone I am not afraid to stand alone Li
I am not afraid stand alone
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