i want muslim community to wake up to
this reality and take this warning from
imam musa it's coming like a tsunami if
you have kids and you try to get
divorced the probability that that's
going to demolish your life is very very
high statistics 63 of youth suicides are
from fatherless homes your market value
has declined let's say you're the woman
who takes the kids
your market value has declined radically
80 of all homeless and runaway children
are from fatherless homes the man he's
just as screwed
because he is now an indentured servant
attorneys are making money left and
right on divorce on regular basis your
home your your valuables are all going
to be sold to pay the lawyers and people
like me and it'll tear a big chunk out
of your life and also it will really
disrupt your relationship with your kids
85 percent of all children who show
behavior disorders from fatherless homes
is 20 times the average why is it so
important to shaytan to split the home
split the family
71 of all high school dropouts come from
fatherless homes now you would be
surprised how many brothers are also the
victim
physically beaten children with fathers
who are involved are more likely to
enjoy school and engage in
extracurricular activities you bring
kids into a step parent family they do
not do as well data on that is clear 75
of all adolescent patients in chemical
abuse centers come from fatherless homes
and is the most happy at the moment he's
succeeded
splitting the family
[Music]
how you guys doing welcome to the dean
show
and we're going to be talking about a
very important topic
families come together
and tend to stay together but then
all sorts of things happen and shaitan
gets involved splits the family up so
how can we go ahead and set a foundation
that inshallah we can lower that
statistic of divorce here on the dean
show with my two special guests
you got like 20 going on 30 years of how
much experience marriage counseling over
30 years of experience over 30 years in
america and we got the author
muhammad al-rahi
of
very well-known author here and also
professor professor
at the you are currently at the islamic
university
in
washington and then you
when he
created adam
he
asked all
the angel to
prostrate to adam
and they did fulfill the order of allah
accept the shaitaan he rejected
and
he was a racist and he
said
he was created from the fire and
adam was created from clay assuming the
fire is
better than clay and he was wrong in his
judgment
the the quality of fires to burn and
destroy the thing while the quality of
clay is to produce the thing
therefore the the the the shaytan
since he rejected the order of allah
because he was racist and
he
looked down to adam because of his
creation of clay
he was kicked
from the mercy of allah and from the
rank he had and since that he promised
that he will be coming
and trying to do every effort to take
the human being to hell
and as he said so
he'll be coming from the front and back
and right and left meaning he will do
every effort
to use every trick to destroy
the ibadah of human being and uh instead
of worshiping allah make them to worship
shaytan or something else
deviate them from worshiping allah so
their night does what his effort and
therefore we need to learn his tricks
and traps
so one of the thing
he's very happy the most happy
when he sits on his ground which is uh
he
sits on the water
you know every day uh and received the
report from the young shaitaan
and uh after receive he said okay you
okay you didn't do much you didn't do
much until somebody comes
and says oh i was able to put the fire
between husband and wife
he said oh you are the man
you are the man because you are the one
did the
the
the good mission that was one of the
greatest things yeah yes that's that's
something he's the main thing you want
the main thing to split the family yes
split the family because destabilize
when there is a
that state of uh no stability in the
life you're not going to worship allah
subhanahu wa you're not going to be able
to do your job you know basically
wasting their time
the most
uh
valuable thing in in our life is the
time
so he basically destroyed destroying the
time and is the most happy at the moment
he's succeeded
splitting the family yeah
what do you think imam usa what do you
think is driving the level of the
families getting split divorce
and your experience what do you think is
driving divorce i mean we could only
speak in united states of america
how
muslims are facing this
i would say
one is that
expectations from each other unrealistic
expectations from each other
and
not
meeting the goals or expectations that
they have
from each other
then they think that they are entitled
to something better
if they were to move on
and
on the opposite side of it if you want
to look into how the marriages of our
elders survived
what i saw was that
their expectations for were far less
than what we have today
second and if their expectations if they
did not meet they did not seek other
alternatives rather they look up to
allah to be rewarded and compensated for
all the suffering that they have gone
through in this life
so yes if the marriages are done truly
for the sake of allah
it has greater chance of surviving and
if it is done for all our selfish
reasons then you know this entire world
is perishable so will the marriage be
uh you have
again staggering statistics now showing
you have
just in the amongst people who are not
muslims it's like 50 percent what's the
statistic now what are the stats now
statistics for muslims is it over is it
the same less where is it at with
divorce in the recent years i was
interviewed in one of their tv show in
texas
where the host was saying that imam
you'd be surprised
among muslims in the recent years it has
grown over 50 percent
amongst the muslims amongst the muslims
in last five to twelve five to seven
years according to him
so it's growing rapidly yeah sure you
gave this uh authentic hadith where the
shaitaan iblis the main
devil he's
uh he gave a beautiful example he's on
the water and then these other shayatin
are coming say i did this i did that you
know evil things and then this one comes
and says i split a man from his wife and
he says come here come here you're the
man he gives him the crown right uh why
is it so important to shaytan to split
the home split the family husband and
wife
because
he
he's trying to waste their time put them
instead of focus to worship allah
subhanahu wa
to worship the shaitaan
once they are not stable
in their life and they're going to get
into the
trap of shaitaan and
start using
everything which is against islam you
know not trying to
solve the problem if they have to
according to
the way it's prescribed as allah
subhanahu ta'ala said
is a beautiful
you know word from allah subhanahu wa
you if you want to continue the marriage
continue with ma roof the word ma roof
is a beautiful word in arabic language
to continue keep doing good to each
other
if you feel you reach
to the dead end you cannot solve the
problem somehow for some reason
then
the out from there is the sri habib
hasan
depart each other with hassan the word
hassan also is the most beautiful word
in arabic language with
don't let the life become miserable you
know in fighting and serving the
shaitaan especially i i see there should
be
no
effect or
making the life miserable for the
children if they're involved
also it should not be destruction of the
resources you know by wasting the money
here and there with the lawyers and
things like that
and also
cursing and going uh making the life of
each other miserable
depart each other with kindness and
gentleness and also before that we have
many other ayat also allah said
then uh
she can choose um you know the advisor
from her side or the judge from her side
and the judge from
the husband's side and
you know if they are truly trying to
resolve the issues allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala will give them tofi to solve the
problem
without going through the suffering or
destroying the resources without any
reason all the resources should be
considered it's not for
destruction either these resources could
be used by the husband could by the wife
by the children but should be no
uh
the the waste of the resources should
not be the option that's only come this
option when we are following the
shaitaan not following what allah said
so uh uh is the solution is very clear
i would say the ideal way
before when we get married we should
have a sign
in in case we have a conflict we have
imam okay such and such imam
can get involved since we are here in
like most of us their families are in
different part of the world so they can
have a mom to represent okay i'm gonna
choose this imam
and you can choose the same or choose a
different imam he can represent so in
case we have any problem the dos imam
going to
solve whether they are two or three
whatever they decide we're going to
accept that and and bring the thing to
the end
so uh that one way to uh you know have a
prevention major uh before when we get
to the marriage relation and uh the more
the detail we can have in the contract
uh you know how we're going to uh
you know continue our marriage what are
the things and uh you know so and in
case of conflict that's how we're going
to resolve the the issue because that
closed the door for shaitan when the
shaitaan is there then people get crazy
they just want to go my way or highway
so they don't think about clearly that
you you're destroying this resources
which might uh be used for by your
children you know so uh when become
blind blindly uh following the shaitaan
and uh you know we damaging each other
that should be not the option
among the muslim families
have you seen in your experience now
because i mean it seems like
everything is clear it's lucid in the
quran and the sunnah you have the man's
role you have the romans role and the
guidelines are all laid out and
sometimes in your counseling sessions do
you see like wow it's really
sometimes it's not so convoluted you
know if we go back to the guidelines but
do you think that the outside influences
of the culture society sometimes people
are taking that more as like it's from
divine you know
and kind of going away from these
guidelines there are three things that's
happening eddie i'm glad that you raised
this question
first and foremost is that like jesus
said
the relationship that we have between
among the spouses was only permitted in
the name of allah
in accordance with quran and sunnah with
the limitation that he has set for do's
and don'ts in this relationship
and many things we do we learn we
understand we educate ourselves for the
pros and cons of any business or
anything that you want to do
how much effort and research
and resources have been poured into
by couples who are getting ready to
marry
what they have learned about the
marriage what do they know of the
challenges
how do
what did they learn if any conflict were
to arise what is going to be the
solution to the problem
many of these people they are not aware
of it
and they just get into marriage and
marriage like everybody else is not only
muslims everybody's marriage is full of
challenges
and day in day out you have new
challenges that you have never
experienced before and if you're not
prepared how to handle properly
you would suffer the consequences
and how you handle the situation you
have two choices
one based on your own intellect you try
to handle and manage
or
turn to those colleagues of yours
and see if they you could get their
advice both of these method has been
proven to be detrimental to the
marriages
both for those couple who are going
through difficulties in their marriages
trying to solve their issues on their
own is a wrong approach
two if these couples are turning to
their colleagues their peers
who have no experience in this regard
and seeking their input that further
have caused the situation to get worse
third
when these couple who are going through
difficulties have turned to their peers
who are otherwise happily married
static shows within five to seven years
they too ended up in divorce
this is how it's spreading across the
muslim community that is why in last
five to seven years divorce rate have
increased among the muslims and
particularly of young adults people in
their 30s and 40s
midlife crisis are very difficult for
muslims to deal with
and all of these things are happening
because we live in the society and we
think the solution that this society
have always sought is also the solution
for the muslims
and if we want to walk the same path we
will also end up in the same destination
as others while their statistics shows
that they are heavy on their divorce
rates so is the case of the muslims why
why should you be surprised if you are
expecting different results
then our neighbors in this society and
community then you have got to adopt a
different method of offering finding
solution to the problem that different
method is
none other than quran and sunnah
so i want to bring everybody back to
muslims and non-muslims alike if they
were to follow the solution that allah
has offered in conflict resolution in
the marriage like sheikh rightly pointed
from the verses of the holy quran it
will benefit equally to the muslims and
non-muslims so muslims have golden
opportunity today to present to the
world and benefit themselves the
beautiful method of solving problems in
the light of quran and sunnah which has
a proven record of over
1500 years
so the first thing that the muslims must
do going through this situation is that
they must realize presence of allah
subhanahu ta'ala and their
accountability to allah and allah alone
as they accepted each other
as wife and husband in the name of allah
they must turn to allah and accept his
orders and divine revelation in this
regard even if it goes against your own
ego and your own plans
once we have this commitment from the
couple then it's easy for us to work
with but if they have any vested
interest other than
solving the marriage problem then
shaitaan is there to exploit those
things and we have seen
the effects the sheikh was talking about
how shaitaan really catch that
opportunity and does that in your guys
experience when you have a committee of
counselors or imam when you guys share
information who usually is initiating
the divorce the husband or wife
statistically
it varies
if i may
for long i have been the advocate of
women's rights in
america
and have dedicated i give my hotbars on
regular basis in different masajid but
every khudbah every month one ghotbah is
dedicated to talk about the domestic
violence
and not only that i do myself i
encourage other khati friends of mine
whatever your topic you of the day today
please can you allocate 10 to 15 5 to 10
minutes of yokuba time today
talking about the harmony
of the marriages and the household
so we started this trend talking about
it hence when i done delivering the
hotwa i received a lot of followings
after the khutbah people ask my phone
numbers and they get in touch with me
and i come to know so eddie you'd be
surprised on regular basis how many
phone calls i receive
from both sisters and brother to answer
your question who initiates this it
varies
it varies from the background and now
for long we have thought and we have
seen an experience
that that was sisters who are the victim
in this process
now you would be surprised how many
brothers are also the victim
physically beaten
and taking the abuse and keeping silence
because they're embarrassed to admit
that they were beaten by their wives and
unfortunately allah allah says this is
the condition of the ummah muslims i'm
talking about i don't even counsel in
the marital issues to the non-muslims i
only constant muslims and this is the
situation both while our sisters have
been the victim now the statistics are
changing our brothers also know less
than that are there any sisters
organizations because obviously nobody
should be beating anybody but we often
hear a lot of times and no brothers
should be
especially uh beaten up you know left
hook uppercut you know uh there's none
of that in the dean
but now when you hear something sad like
this unfortunately you don't have you
have a lot of men husbands who are
victim to this kind of abuse you know
they're being battered they're being you
know abused but who's speaking up on
their we have to be just we have to be
fair so who's speaking up on their
behalf you'd be only able to recognize
this if they come forward most of the
time men out of their own ego or their
own stream their position in the society
in the community they don't even when
you really dig deep down into it takes
two three sessions for the brothers to
open up even to imam and to counselors
so until unless they come forward you
really simply cannot
do anything to address except imam like
myself and the programs that we are
doing
we really bring awareness in the society
without mentioning anybody's name and
khatib is talking about it khutbah it is
it be it is done by man or woman
it is not permissible in system and
there is no tolerance
i think there should be an awakening
among sisters also you know sisters who
are out there very educated to for them
to also speak on this right because now
a lot of times they'll say it's the
small minority that are doing this but
then the small minority become the
majority with the big voice and they're
these i've heard a lot of times
the ones who are doing some of this evil
uh they scare everybody else off but
what do you think about sisters also
amongst each other who are really like
you know helping to shut this down you
know sometimes you'll have these you
know brothers complaining about their
kids when the vo divorce happens being
uses a weapon against them
them being taken to a system that is set
up as a way that's really unjust towards
the men it's more balanced towards the
other direction this is just you know
across the board non-muslims talk about
this all the time right and islam is a
perfect system so what do you think
about sisters actually coming out
getting them galvanized to come out and
starting to you know speak up because if
you speak up as a man oh this guy's
misogynistic you know
his prejudice what do you think about
that
i think first of all the evil is the
evil
and injustice is injustice it's not
accepted by islam islam
rejects
the evil or
unfair situation
where whatever the source
is
islam do honor
the woman
uh and consider them they are weak and
give them a lot more
attention and
you know like in the hadith
the paradise and the feet of the woman
and also prophet saw said that if
be kind and gentle with the
you know gentle ones so um
if if
the sisters they
observe
that this evil coming
from among themself
i think it will be very excellent
the direction to go and stop that and
the same thing
if the transgression coming from the
brother brother also tried to stop that
so because
we should reject
uh what is wrong what is wrong should be
rejected uh whether it's coming from
sister or coming from the brother and
whatever the source of uh you know
evil or
unfair situation
need to be rejected and need to be
invited to come to the you know
[Music]
fair situation
just
uh and solve the problem peaceful way
without damaging uh especially the that
in no case should be damaged the
interests of the children the innocent
children they're innocent
you know they have no nothing uh with
all what is going on it's a two-party
their husband or wife you know they
should do every effort
to uh make sure the children's interest
is not being damaged and then also
minimize the damage if you're gonna go
through divorce
minimize the damage
you know as quran said as as any even
the non-muslim they will go with the
wise one they will go with the
minimum damage yeah no damage should be
or minimize the damage you know so that
that will be the best approach among the
things that allah has permitted
yeah so um because we so we hear from
different brothers
and they will talk about for instance
assuming that this brother is praying
you know he's adhering to the guidelines
of the quran and sunnah
but it seems like he can never get
anything right you follow me and it
seems like the chips as they say are
stacked against him so everything is
blamed on the man he says you know what
i mean he says i'm providing for my
family i'm taking care of my kids
and i can get nowhere a lot of times and
then he'll say uh he'll look at the
hadith or the prophet
say that you know man will do so much a
world of good but then he does one wrong
and they forget about all the good so it
seems like he's up against the world you
know what can i do sir you know what am
i doing and no nobody when i go to some
of these imams nobody will go ahead and
they'll tell me
everything i need to do and i'm doing
above and beyond but then they're scared
to tell my wife that she needs to obey
and respect their husband of go of
course he said i'm being kind i'm loving
i tell her i love her hugger but i'm not
a psychologist i can't just you know i
master all trades but they're scared to
tell my wife you know that she a lot
would allah told her her rights towards
me what do you got to say musa
indeed i mean does this relate at all
could we hear this from from it does and
it happens a lot but i want to be fair
to our sisters also they go through a
lot of difficulties and challenges in
life and we need to acknowledge and we
i'll be the first one to admit that we
don't do justice to it
and we're gonna have to acknowledge and
recognize and rasulullah salam gave
sisters such a great status in islam
there is no other religion that gave
bringing the jannah beneath the paradise
of the mother such a great status
so all that status and recognition and
appreciation and glad tiding that need
be given to the sisters because of the
difficulties that they endure
in the relationship allah's messenger
has already done the justice in giving
them the glad tiding
that is conditioned upon only and only
one thing that is that she endure all
these difficulties for the pleasure of
allah and allah alone
but if that get also associated with
expectations from the creation rather
than creator alone it's when i have seen
the problems coming in
so yes so once we understand the
situation that we are going through
these difficulties and we need to do
something about it
once the sister understand it is in the
name of allah that i have accepted this
man to be my husband and when the
brother understand that in the name of
allah accepted this sister to be my wife
i will abide by the rules of allah
subhanahu wa in this regard
once you have the commitment from both
wife or husband only then and then only
in my experience of 30 years you'll be
able to make some difference
but if they don't have respect
to the verses of the holy quran and the
sayings of beloved prophet salallahu in
conflict resolution of this situation
guess what you will do nothing but you
insult yourself and god forbid you also
end up insulting
the quran and hadees as well because
these people have built the brick wall
in front of them they're blind to this
and without realizing they voice their
opinion on the clear instructions given
by allah and rasool to the or solve
their problem and in doing so what they
end up doing it what i fear the most is
this so i'm very reluctant
quoting directly from the quran and
sunnah in the first meeting because i
want to gauge their mental status and
your condition so i don't want to
present to them
direct instructions from the quran and
they reject out of frustration
and they may suffer the consequences of
rejecting allah's words
and they may further suffer in their
marriage life that they're already going
through so as a wise
person as a counselor as a imam you
would want to gauge the situation and
bring them first to their senses of
appreciation that allah's command is
absolute
for muslims to follow even if it goes
against your own favor
once they come to this understanding and
realization and in agreement no matter
whether it goes in our favor or against
when it is quoted directly from quran
and sunnah we will follow quran and
sunnah then the problem is solved very
easily so that is what i'm talking about
so like you said that imams or others of
course or whoever it is are scared to
tell the wife of their rights and they
should respect and recognize the
husband's rights
is it the recommendation of the imam and
if the wife perceives this as such then
she would be very quick to say that you
just taking the side of my husband
vice versa
if you talk about the rights of the
women
men
have accused imams
that what relations do you have with my
wife
or they said that or she did the magic
on you too you is speaking her language
as well
this is all utter nonsense
these things happen only because they
see that recommendation is our own we
are nowhere in a position to offer our
own recommendation when quran and sunnah
speaks very clearly in this regard so we
have to reauthor and remind again and
again it is not my personal opinion or
recommendation or suggestion rather than
your creator and my creator creator of
the universe allah blesseth in whose
name you had made each other halal
instruct you to do this in this
situation
and once they get this one right and
insha allah insha allah we pray that
sincerely will get better so this is the
most important very challenging thing to
do and this get very easily done if it
if the council is sought early in the
stage of conflict if the conflict has
gone too long
unresolved and they have sought other
resources other than quran and sunnah
then subhanallah only allah can give
hidayah in the situation
i had a guest on
laura doyle she's confessed to helping
over a hundred fifty thousand
couples get back to saving their
marriage now she's not muslim but when
you read a lot of her stuff you think
like wow she's taking from the crown of
sunnah so her story is that she also
went to a stage in her marriage that it
was just breaking apart and she was
about to get divorced so she wanted to
try everything possible to save the
marriage so she went to traditional
marriage counseling and they spent
thousands of dollars almost ten thousand
dollars and at the end
it was just like a bash fest she said
you know me bashing my husband it didn't
work
and then she started to go to people who
actually she did like what was called a
common sense approach she said okay
these people here they've been married
for 20 30 40 50 years let me go see
what's keeping them together so she from
now her experience talking to these
people she saw that there was a formula
the
wife respected the husband and in return
what the wife got was what she wanted to
get that love desire and appreciate from
her husband so then she wrote a book
called empowered wife and in the book
she talks about this formula she talks
about how women can get empowered how
they can get what they want from their
husband
but also how they cannot get it and
that's by being disrespectful towards
their husband so the key things were you
want love respect your husband it was
quite a simple uh formula respect will
equal that love because men for men she
talks about respect is like oxygen they
say kids cry for it men die for it
what do you think about that
beautiful
what do you think about this formula i
mean isn't is this uh
something that
what would you say to this
um
i would say it's a excellent
formula as prophet
said
that's uh in general
uh it's not among us uh the any uh
um
you know the older if it does not uh
show the kindness to the younger one and
the younger one does not just give the
respect to the older one so uh
uh like the younger one
if he's showing the the respect to the
older the older showing the kindness so
it's gonna take care of a lot of problem
but if we went wrong in this relation
we're gonna have a lot of problems same
thing uh she she she had a very good
conclusion
that
if she's respecting the husband
uh of course she she can get all the
love all what she's looking
uh because uh
in islam also we you know uh required
that the the the husband should give all
the right to her
love and compassion and everything and
uh
she also uh respect and uh you know give
the right of the husband so um
it's a two-way
street
so uh we have to uh follow those uh you
know excellent beautiful formulas
to uh keep our and she did very good job
by going to the uh those people who have
long experience so
that was the shows that she's very wise
and
get to the conclusion the right
conclusion with this which is also the
islam basically you know encourage us to
uh you know give the right of each other
and uh
leave in the most harmony many people
have said that this should be basic
reading material this book empowered
wife that imam should give this to all
the uh sisters and then maybe if there's
something for the brothers also but this
one specifically how a woman can be
empowered and i like what you said it
should be just across the board we're
not trying to favor one or the other but
just do what allah the creator that
happens in earth sent down divinely
everything is there how much do you
think she so back to this one what do
you think about this uh conclusion what
uh have you heard of this empowered wife
you see that she also wrote the book
it's called uh but people didn't really
like the the title it was called
surrendered why surrender wife or
something like that but the new one have
you ever heard of these books people
have had these issues and reservations
in this regard but without being
you know very negative in this regard or
any positive i would like for sisters
and brothers to look on this position
see what this sister did when she was
challenged
she looked for the solution
where
where the marriages were survived
and through that she was able to
enlighten herself and guided many others
same thing islam is calling again and
again divorce should be the last option
when i perform nikka i meet with at
least three sessions prior to
doing the
nikah for the couple
three sessions we talk about it
pre-medal counseling in which i
emphasize
on not using divorce
as a bargaining tool
not using divorce
as a weapon
not using divorce as blackmailing or as
a threat
to what degree
i even following sessions i don't even
use word divorce in my counseling
i say the d word
why do i do this intentionally i do not
want to use the word divorce front of
those individual couple who are going to
get married and i try to create the
hateful
feeling towards the word divorce itself
from the very beginning on this couple
so they even think twice and remember my
counseling that imam didn't even feel
comfortable using the word divorce
so when i create this much hate towards
the divorce then there is no point
and no reason for them to even bring
this as a reason of bargaining or
talking and threatening each other
we need to recreate this especially
especially if you have more so would you
say if you have certain interrupts you
if you have children involved yes
yes and this is what happens because we
live in the society divorce is
normalized
in many cases it is encouraged that's
where when i began the uh the question
in the beginning that's what i'm talking
about the outside influences very bad
influence
and we are looking up to and we are
accepting it as a way out as an
alternate where quran has offered better
alternative than this
we have become blind to the solution
that quran and sunnah is offering and
we're literally inclining towards what
the society has to offer what do you
expect
and this is one of the thing that among
allah and permissible thing most hateful
thing to allah is what
divorce and we are failing to see as
allah has expected us to see divorce as
such
rather we are accepting and
some divorce please forgive me if
anybody has been divorced and listening
to my talk that i am making this
statement but i am saying this i have
heard some diverse people oh i am better
off
do you realize what you're saying with
that statement when you talk to other
person who's going through the
difficulties in their marriage or maybe
this is what i should do
and if because of your statement others
are also following the footsteps of
yours guess who's going to take the
burden
and if you are the person
i wish
we have found the better solution to our
problem
none can replace the absence of the
mother to the child none can replace
absent of the father to the child i am
struggling whoever you are be it is
brother or sister if you say i am
struggling to fulfill that vacuum and i
can never do this what would happen when
you make this statement as a diverse
person
you will let the other person who is
going through difficulties think twice
and that is the way to do it you are not
doing this because imam musa wants you
to do it i want you to know that your
rob
informed that among all permissible
things that he hate the most is the
divorce so you are instructed as a
believer
even if you are enjoying your divorce to
proclaim that it is the most hateful
thing and we need to understand that
once we learn that divorce is not the
first option
then we will do anything and everything
to avoid it and that is what we need to
first and foremost understand and
inculcate in the community yeah one
thing i mean the uh the beauty of islam
is there's mercy in everything i mean
you have in other faiths
particularly i believe in christianity
that this is something that now would be
not allowed for instance so someone can
be a drug pusher an alcoholic
you know someone truly is abusing
his wife you know battering her elbow
cutting her
you know beating her whatnot
so these situations now imagine it's not
even allowed but islam there's a mercy
there yeah you have a
husband or a wife or someone's not
praying you know they're totally
going away from the quran and sunnah you
know totally going away from the
injunction set by the creator and you
have an avenue escape now there right
but have you seen a lot of a lot of
times
someone's
issue can be for them so huge that
they've made it shape down has magnified
it so much
but then you look at it and you'll be
like hold on if we were to get a
committee of people here and look at it
this is actually very trivial i mean you
got when you compare it to people who
are really you know going through bombs
dropping over their heads and not not to
despair on anybody's problems you know
everybody's going through their own
challenges but sometimes when we put it
we contextualize it we're like hold on
you said it everybody is going through
their own challenges when couple going
through this situation with the trivial
things that become so big to them until
or unless somebody with the authority
can help them understand authority
meaning respect whom they respect help
them realize then they see that and it
is when you really begin to understand
quran verses are very clear
you know
the seal has been put on their
understanding they just don't see that
and the small things become such a big
thing that they make there as a
foundation of separation
that's another thing that we need to
touch upon as one in order to be married
there are certain requirements in islam
they have to met in order to be
qualified to be married similar is the
case for the divorce there are islamic
rulings in this regard there are certain
things certain criteria must met in
order for one to even to contemplate
going in that route of getting divorced
not whenever you feel upset you just
demand divorce right of the out of
nowhere and anybody who does that
rasulullah sallallahu in many ahadees
have said that curse on those
individuals
who demand divorce without any valid
reason
who is educated about these things many
people who even go to the regular salah
practice islam
keeping weird or wearing hijab and
talking about to that degree and even
those in couples who pray salah on
regular basis don't even know the more
details of the do's and don'ts of the
marriage and the benefits and the you
know
survival
techniques that allah islam offers and
we very quickly jump into
seeking divorce when the criteria of
seeking divorce has not even met
you have a lot of women psychologists
male psychologists you know both doctors
experts in the sphere field how much
have you um uncovered in this area
there's a specific
uh phd
uh he's written a book called the boy
crisis
and then
his name is uh warren
well and he talks about
the consequences that are happening
because of divorce to the boys and
linking it back to the divorce high
rates of suicide
you know the dropout level in school
drugs
they did
a survey to see like
how many of these mass shooters who are
out there you know uh their life and
almost hundred percent all of them come
from a fatherless home can you imagine
that so when you look to the root of the
matter what's happening to these boys
who are in broken homes
you know again there's exceptions to
everything right but
the majority of times when there's not a
father present
you know it's like a disaster waiting to
happen it is and it is proven time and
again it is proven time and again it's a
known fact to your audience also people
muslims in europe are more mature in
solving the problem of the marriages we
have institutional organization masha
allah they're doing fabulous job muslims
here in america is still maturing to
these things it's still learning but my
fear is that by the time they learn and
understand they may have underpaid high
price for it so
sooner than later we really gonna have
to wake up to this reality and do
something about it to bring awareness
the first step that i would like to
encourage our audience here is that do
not consider divorce to be a option
first
option
rather do your level best exhaust each
and every single
resource that you have at your disposal
not on your own but let these scholars
imams
team of imams say that yes you have
exhausted each and every single thing
even then put trust in allah and offer
two rakah go in and cry before allah ya
allah have done every single thing even
allah are saying this even then i don't
want to lose my hope with you please
help me survive in my marriage
and you never know allah open the door
even at that time don't give up hope on
your marriage
but we don't see this is happening don't
make it like fast food we want
everything fast fast fast they're
talking about drive through divorce now
that's what it is yeah during pandemic
people have been forced into the houses
and they were surviving their marriages
because they somehow would find the
escape and this pandemic has really put
them in one under one roof and how long
can they handle it no sooner they had
the opportunity to come out the first
visit that they paid is to the lawyers
to the courthouses and they're now
currently dragging each other into the
court and spending hundreds and
thousands of dollars into the attorney
fees attorneys are making money left and
right on divorce on regular basis one of
the best ways they understand how deep
your pocket is
they request you to submit your finance
they they do this right they request and
you are required under the order of
court to open you may not have disclosed
this to your spouses
you would be required to disclose each
and every single thing and if you still
try to hide they have something called
recovery they will go and dig each and
every single penny that you ever have
earned and hid
and by doing this it's not that it will
give you an opportunity to fight and get
your fair share that you call it
rather they try to gauge how much they
can milk you
and they will drag this case to the
degree that they will get the most out
of it at the end you will come to the
conclusion that would have been far
better
if you have gone to imams and get this
resolved among yourself why at the end
neither of you will have the money third
party will become rich on this one and
you will end up getting far less than
what you would have gotten in accordance
with quran sunnah and even then if you
succeed in doing it you did so
against the clear instructions of allah
and rasool and what boracay would that
mal will have and what barakah which
solution will bring in solution to your
problems will become there's a great
documentary to substantiate this point
you're making i think everyone
who is thinking about divorce
or just for basic knowledge on a topic
they should watch it's called divorce
court divorce corp divorce corp yes i
think death would be easier than a
divorce
[Music]
it's very frustrating to have gone for
help
and then come out with your family
destroyed
we have serious problems in our family
law court system
getting divorced is far from easy
litigation lasted for over a year close
to eight years people can get as much
justice as they can afford
most people
cannot afford any justice at all what's
wrong with that
this is a business the more you charge
the more people are willing to pay i
want you to know after two hours we will
have spent more than most people in this
courthouse making a year your home your
your valuables are all going to be sold
to pay the lawyers and people like me
even though i was acquitted he still
made a decision to take my son away from
me his birthday was last week and i
didn't get to see him what you have is a
tinderbox and the lawyers are throwing
gasoline on that fire the system is
designed to create conflict i received a
phone call for another 25 000 he'd be
able to give us what we wanted extortion
and
this documentary really goes into the
details talking to different attorneys
talks to private investigators talks to
people in this in the system uh former
judges and they also talk about how the
system is set up it's a 50 billion
dollar annual business with a b with a
billion billion dollar and just what you
said right now it substantiates that
that it is set up to milk
you until now
you are out you know what i mean it's so
convoluted it drags on already the
couple is even those sometimes that just
go in peacefully and they want to
amically end everything
they end up throwing
the fire the gas on the fire it's
already a tinderbox it's very sensitive
so the lawyers end up even making a
greater rift because they know that's in
their benefit now to split them more
apart because what's going to happen
they're going to make more money more
business right few recommendation if i
may for the interest of time just for
our viewers
god forbid first and foremost don't ever
bring the word divorce in your
relationship
and after doing and exhausting each and
every single thing at your disposal not
your opinion but the scholars the imam
who are trained in counseling in this
particular aspect
if they say that you have exhausted
every single thing and if you must go
through this process
do it
with islamic scholars
don't go to the lawyers and try to do it
islamically this way you will have the
care for the rest of your life insha
allah and after you have gone through
this process if in fact you needed to be
divorced in the knowledge of allah he
will somehow will find the way for you
to leave your remaining life with
happiness and to the fullest
are with those who are going through
these difficulties may allah make it
easy for them and may allah allow them
to live their life to the fullest
remaining life and may
allah enable them to raise if they are
blessed with the children to the best
that they can because no one can ever
compensate for a missing parent that's
given yeah second
if you are going through these
difficulties and situations
i advise you in the interest of better
of our society particularly muslim
couples
do not
do not discuss this issue with your
colleagues and peers
who are married happily
we tend to go and look for the shoulder
and a year that can lend us a time so we
can vent out
in doing so what happens that it's not
my words these are the statics shows
that in previous years
when couple were talking about their
issues with the healthy married life
couple
and they were lending and getting
involved in their issues
within five to seven years those couple
who lend their ear or shoulder ended up
having the similar situation in the life
so it's very contagious
so
you first if you're going through this
difficulty please do not talk to those
people talk to those people who have
knowledge first
and ask those who have knowledge if you
do not know and turn to people when you
have physical ailment you look for the
physician in that particular specialty
when you have problem in your marriage
find a imam who specializes in
counseling in this regard and
use his services and follow his
instructions very closely
but if you want to go and talk to
everybody else you might be spreading
this without realizing it's like
coronavirus has given us a very good
example if you have symptoms you are
encouraged to isolate yourself
but if you hide that one and you go and
mingle with the people without realizing
you are affecting many people you don't
even know
this had made it very simple so
understand this fact don't talk if you
really love and dearly care for your
friends who are happily married do not
bring them in
and god forbid if they are not
exercising caution
we healthy people whose marriages are
healthy if somebody is coming to talk to
you
understand and listen to them sympathize
with them
nod your head and wipe some tears if you
must
and then
graciously guide them to the experts
encourage them not to talk with others
but to follow the advice of the experts
in this regard when i say expert please
forgive me again
i'm not talking about marriage
counselors
because i don't know much about them so
i cannot vouch for them how effective
they will be and what advice they will
be giving i can only talk about from my
side that is imam and from among the
imam not every imam imams those who are
trained
in offering counseling in a marriage
issues
and have experienced preferably and go
and look and talk to them and follow
their advice at their advice and they
too also will advise you the same way
talk to me and talk to allah subhanahu
ta'ala put trust in him and work
diligently on the advice that has been
given i can assure you as imam and a
counselor in this regard over 30 years
we've been giving this counseling we
have saved many marriages we have kept
many couples from going to the
lawyers and to the court and we have
number of individuals who have come to
us saying that imam we don't know whose
prayers and whose blessing and which
sadaqa allah has accepted from us that
allah has brought us to you and you are
able to save our marriages and
alhamdulillah we are over this situation
our children are grown up we are
enjoying as grandparents
and some
also have come to me after the fact they
said where were you imam when we needed
if we have talked to you we would surely
have saved our life our marriages so my
beloved i pray that you take heed to
what is being said in this beautiful
show that dean show that eddie is doing
it is much needed i hope i will reach
out to many people in time before they'd
really lose their entire marriage and
enjoy the harmony of their nikah and
marriages inshallah
all right we got a few more minutes
before we conclude uh just to add to
this
is uh sometimes people rush we've heard
like two even the in-laws
and then what happens is sometimes they
go to the in-laws
and i guess it all depends on the
people's level of knowledge because you
know allah tells us if you differ
anything and anything turn back to
holland as messenger
you know but then people turning to you
know their emotions and their desires
and whatnot so
what do you think about sometimes them
even turning to their mother or
father-in-law but then they reconcile
but then in the next month or two they
start bringing up those problems again
have you seen this happening
sure
yes yeah yeah i would second as
i said
to just
we need to utilize we need to train the
professional
imam counselor
so
we should utilize their expertise
instead of going here and there because
for any
problem or issue whoever is getting
involved they have to be fully aware
and
not everybody have a time to
invest to get fully 100 it's time
consuming yes
so they need to go to the specialized
people who already have a lot of
experience a lot of education background
so uh trustworthy they are not going to
disclose uh confidentiality all those
things and just discuss with them
and get their advice from them because
they will have enough time to listen to
you and get
view the full
view of the situation
and
based on the quran and sunnah and
experience everything so they can advise
you to the right direction
the people who do not have any
experience they will
first of all they would not have enough
time
even
so
they will be just leading you based on
limited experience limited knowledge
they collected
from here and there so that gonna lead
to our destruction
and uh even become the situation worse
so
it is just like
you know we go for the best doctor
for whatever the illness we have
same way we need to
have
specialized
imam or counselors
who can handle
uh this kind of situation with
professional way with the
based on quran and who often like he
said the last word that he said
imam or counselor whoever is offering
any
recommendation it must be based on quran
and sunnah and if it is not then it is
no different
counseling that you would get from
anybody if xyz from outside
so we are talking about the solution to
the problem the ummah is facing today at
least here in america in reference to
the divorce can only be sought in
accordance with quran and sunnah i would
have many people who would say that we
would have gone we have gone to the
imams imam said the same thing i said
imam or the counselor whoever you went
to if he or the counsellor
offers the solution just like what they
would teach outside in the other
universities and research
and experience then it is no difference
we want to make sure that the solution
to be sought directly from quran and
sunnah
and encourage
parties to expect reward of their
suffering from allah in the day of
judgment not in dunya and if he gives in
this dunya in form of reviving your
marriages and love between the two of
you that's a instant benefit that you're
getting but
don't expect anything in return in this
life expect everything from allah and be
patient
and somehow if you are to do this for
the sake of allah i guarantee you my
rope will never disappoint you
but this must be done like sheikh said
in accordance with quran and sunnah
i could be a imam and offering the same
solution that xyza offers outside
you will have the similar results
although i am a imam
i could be a counselor offering the same
solutions and you know to the problem
like everybody else in the society our
neighbors are getting the result will be
the same
but you need a imam or a counselor who
refers directly from quran and sunnah to
the solutions only then and then only we
can expect different results
better results than what our society is
going through so that is very important
that everybody should keep in mind i
know couple imams
who has been mentioned in their divorce
situation because imam
either was busy with other activities in
the masjid and did not have much time to
give and so he just
referred them to lawyers
or a counselor
and that was detrimental
so divorce can be highly contagious and
can be detrimental
if we are not careful with it
it must be treated i really would like
to create this sense of urgency for us
to guard and protect just like delta
where it is coming
and people are very cautious i want
muslim community to wake up to this
reality and take this warning from imam
musa it's coming like a tsunami
if you don't wake up to the reality you
will find it will hit home very fast
so we're gonna have to i beg of you all
to work with me on this to spread the
word around to hate
divorce as allah subhana wa tala expect
us to
have this hateful feeling towards the
divorce so we will keep the divorce as
the last thing although it's not haram
in islam but it is not highly desired
and not treated as a first option either
so keep it the way it is make the deen
the way rasulullah made so we can
continue to inshallah strengthen the
bond and the marriages and become the
role model for our future generations to
follow and become the community in the
united states of america which thrives
and enjoys that marriages
long lasting marriages inshallah and
become the role model for others we have
a golden opportunity my beloved to
present to our societies how islam deal
with this situation that they did not
have any solution to these problems and
let us be the ambassadors
of peace let us be the messengers of the
messenger habibullah
in respect to enjoying the marriage life
inshallah thank you once again and this
topic was touched upon out of our desire
to keep the ummah keep the family
together because if you destroy
the
body of the family you will destroy
society you destroyed the ummah so we
want to keep that family together and
we're doing this out of the love thank
you very much both of you
please keep doing this kind of sessions
as much as you can it's desperately
needed
and thank you guys once again and don't
make any decisions when you're angry yes
calm down
take a chill hit the sajdah as much as
you can get up in the night and pray
and be around people of knowledge and
have patience
very important all these things are very
important and we'll see you next time
here on the dean show until then peace
be with you assalamu alaikum subscribe
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peace salaam alaikum